I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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