The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
