dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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