That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My bed smells like the plague
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
