mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
