dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
