You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
