first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
