just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
