I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
