I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
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I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
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So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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