Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
