Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
