I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
