I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
