i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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