Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
