omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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