You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
