I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
