Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
