Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
