Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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