Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
not ubering you a puppy
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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