so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
