Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
