Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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