sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
