Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
