When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
