So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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