I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
