oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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