I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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