our cab driver is having phone sex.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
