I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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