We won't sleep together?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
