kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
