Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
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He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
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Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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