He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Alive.
So much puke
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
