I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
