I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize