I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
