Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
