somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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