chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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