There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
