I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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