I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.