All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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