Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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