ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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