my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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