May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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