He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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