Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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