It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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