no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
