I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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