thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
